GPS: Reviews: The Power of Two

The Power of Two: A Review
(last updated March, 2003)

Home>Books>Reviews

The Power of Two is one of the two best books for couples attempting to improve their relationships (also see Fighting for Your Marriage). Dr. Heitler's readable book contains sound, practical advice for resolving difficulties. It tackles most of the basic problems that couples experience, and provides stepwise skills to address them. Abundant examples of couples' dialogues illustrate both common communication problems (e.g., "minimizing feelings") and positive alternatives ("empathizing with feelings"). The demonstration of both the problems and potential solutions helps readers to apply new ideas and skills to their own situations.

The book begins with three chapters on "The Basics of Collaborative Dialogue," including "Secrets to Talking," "Secrets to Listening," and "Secrets to Dialogue." Heitler believes that couples need the means to talk constructively before they are able to fix problems. These first chapters alone are worth the price. They challenge the reader to think not just about what to say, but about how to say it. Among the couples I see for counselling, the health of the relationship is often more affected by how they communicates than it is by whether they disagree over problems such as childrearing or finances. If they cannot talk constructively and without escalation of conflict, they cannot resolve issues--but more importantly, the negative exchanges between them damage their feelings for each other and encourage them to withdraw or to escalate the conflict, or both.

The second part of the book, "Dealing With Differences," begins with a five-step sequence to discuss and work out minor problems. When a couple is working well together, they use these steps without thinking about them. When talking is more difficult, Heitler's suggestions provide a useful template that can be applied deliberately. She takes the reader through a problem-solving sequence similar to what might occur in a therapist's office, and she provides multiple examples. Succeeding chapters deal with difficulties that arise when things don't go according to the book: how to deal with your own anger, and with your partner's; how to clean up after upsets; some of the refinements of shared decision making; conflict-resolution strategies; and how to deal with "out-of-bounds and fouls."

The final part of The Power of Two, titled "Making a Good Relationship Great," is concerned with providing mutual support, intimacy--both emotional and sexual-- and encouraging a loving environment in the home.

Heitler doesn't assume any of this is easy. She encourages forgiveness and patience, cautions against telling your partner what to do, and suggests working on what you can accomplish for yourself. A master therapist herself, Heitler also recognizes that couples can work on improving their relationship on their own, or together, and that sometimes, seeking professional help can greatly assist this work, particularly when they feel trapped in cycles from which there seems no exit.

This is a book that provides insights and help for all relationships-personal, business, formal and informal. I gave the book to both of my 20-something kids as an essential reference.

To purchase this book from Amazon.com, click here.

For more information see www.TherapyHelp.com.